I have never been good at keeping a journal. From my very first Hello Kitty diary with the cheap padlock to the simple notebooks I buy at Target, every journal effort I have ever made has gone awry. The first problem is that my hand gets tired trying to write down my crazy jumble of thoughts. The second problem is that I go back later and read what I write and it's just pure drivel. And maybe I'll feel that way when I go back and reread my blog posts someday, but I'd like to think that anything I put on the Internet is of slightly better quality.
This post may prove that theory wrong. This is going to be my journal.
Lately I've been feeling really, really anxious. Like, shaky and almost nonfunctional anxious. And while I welcome anxiety as a fun alternative to its evil twin depression, really, truly, why can't I just be normal?
I'm gonna go to the gym this week and get back on my routine and kick anxiety and depression's collective asses.
All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep fighting the good fight.
I think of these lyrics from Kate Voegele's "Lift Me Up":
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
And since I'm already on a tangent as the Dork Who Finds Solace in Song Lyrics, I'm embedding this video of the song "Always on Your Side," which is a duet sung by Sting and Sheryl Crow.
Go ahead, turn it on. It can be the soundtrack while you read this post. Anyway, that song was a song I discovered in 2005. I don't remember what dumb stuff I was grappling with back then, but I always took comfort in the lyrics that said:
But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be
I had sort of forgotten about that song, because the iPod that contained it broke or got lost or something, and it somehow didn't make it over to my future iPod(s). But I had shared the song with Katie, who was my cubicle neighbor at the time, and she apparently did a better job of backing up her music because she still has it on her current computer. And I heard it recently and re-downloaded it (yes, that's another $0.99 for the same song, you dumbass iTunes), and somehow those lyrics still speak to me and my current issues.
Issues. Whatever. I have no real problems, except being screwed up in the head. I went to visit Katie today, who is dealing with a real-life Legitimate Reason to be sad.
And all I can say to her is, sometimes life is an unfair shitstorm of suckitude.
This isn't how it's really meant to be.
I don't always think I'm a very good friend to my friends. I'm not a very good listener, and I never know the right things to say. Sometimes I feel like everybody else in the world was blessed with the ability to say all the exact right things when their friends are struggling, and all I can do is go and show up with a stupid Tupperware container of food and hope my shepherd's pie and cinnamon bread can say what I can't.
I think I'm getting to be a better friend, though. I think going through my own daily struggles has made me more sympathetic to other peoples' struggles. I think becoming more open about my own feelings (e.g. in this blog) has helped other people come forward and share their own feelings, and we've all become a lot closer.
I think good friendships are so powerful. And so even though life is an unfair shitstorm of suckitude sometimes, it helps to have a few friends and family members who actually get you. I think maybe a lot of people don't get me. I think maybe a lot of people think I should buck up sometimes.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I will share an interesting tidbit. I started off this post with the line, "From my very first Hello Kitty diary with the cheap padlock to the simple notebooks I buy at Target, every journal effort I have ever made has gone awry." What I did not mention was that at least one of the notebooks I have gotten at Target recently has Hello Kitty on it. And sometimes I write in it with one of my many Hello Kitty pens. So, as you can see, I've totally grown up.
And on that note, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and keeping fighting the good fight. And so should you.